Last week I intimated that we'd be playing Tomb Raider at some point, but didn't specify which game in the series we'd be embarking upon.
The truth is I hadn't even decided, but knew that it was a series I was anxious to delve into regardless of how utterly stupid it is to play a game like this in self-imposed Iron Man Mode. Regardless, the Tomb Raider games were a big part of my upbringing; part babysitter when my parents were away, and part sexual awakener when puberty kicked in and I realised what those triangle polygons were.
So, which one to play?
The first Tomb Raider was fantastic, but very finnicky - no doubt I'd be dead within two minutes thanks to a controller-based mishap. Also, I prefer things a little... er, rounder, if you know what I mean.
Tomb Raider II delivers on that front, and although the story is a little more meandering, the level design is fantastic. Tomb Raider III is where the franchise started to go downhill, and also the point at which I got bored reading through the 'critical reception' sections Wikipedia.
I was tempted to wait for Tomb Raider 9 next year (or just 'Tomb Raider', as is the annoying and confusing trend for sequels these days) but I honestly think it's going to bomb. The trailer sees Lara Croft reduced to a whimpering sap who manages to injure herself on everything, and complain about it in a not-quite-right British accent. Sure, Camilla Luddington may be a British Actress and have a more British-sounding name than Lara Croft herself, but c'mon - she lives and works in LA, and went to school at the suspiciously named American School in England. Camilla spent so many years wishing she was an American actress, she can't seem to come back on herself. Hell, I won't even let her come back on herself. English license revoked.
Anyway, Tomb Raider 9 is a bit too rapey for my palate.
So, Tomb Raider II it is.
Although we've got equally dark material here too as we move from rape victims to cancer patients:
I don't know who this androgynous alien-cancer person is in the intro cutscene, but he seems happy enough running around feudal China, killing a dragon (?) and foolishly putting some sacred blade into a strange-looking receptacle in a tomb. Naturally, he's left dead while I'm left confused as to what that had to do with Tomb Raider. I guess there was a tomb involved, so that's something.
Once we're into the game properly, I decide to start out with the training mission because nothing has ever gone bad for me in training missions. There are more controls than a flight simulator, and I feel it's best to learn the difference between the 'jump across gap' and 'fall off and die' keys before we get further into proceedings. Worryingly, it doesn't go particularly well - I leap around the training course of Croft Mansion more like a wounded otter than a spritely gazelle, and I would have died numerous times already if The Floor Was Made of Lava for real. It doesn't particularly help that the ever-present Alfred Pennyworth distracts me with his rattling teaset as if I might demand a tea break at any given minute because that's what British people do. What's even more annoying is that the game won't actually let me take a tea break. I know because I've already tried all the keys.
Might as well stop delaying and get on with the dying.
After enjoying a little tea break, I launch straight into the main game. Lara flies over what looks like a desert in a helicopter, but then we see the Great Wall of China so we're obviously in Japan or China or somewhere like that. Although the wall only looks about ten feet tall and two feet wide, so maybe we are just in an unnamed desert by a reasonable sized wall.
There's no real explanation as to why I'm here or what I'm doing, but I don't need one. It's time to whip out the duel pistols, jump around some platforms, do some light puzzle-solving and grunt a lot. Let it be known that my very first action in this very well-lit cave is to pull a flare out of my backpack and light it - I'm still not au fait with the controls - but it takes me no time at all to coordinate myself and faceplant into a shallow pool of water. Ouch.
It takes another five minutes to scrabble up to the top of a set of boulders, but had it taken me six minutes, I would have been mauled by the bengal tiger which was apparently in the small cave with me the whole time.
I'm safely out of its reach so I take the time to marvel at the endangered and beautiful creature before putting a bullet through its skull. Onwards and upwards!
And then downwards, because I suffer my first substantial fall from a height. It doesn't take off a huge deal of health, but it's enough to make me realise how easy it is for one keying mistake or badly timed jump to result in Lara wearing her shattered shin bones as earrings. After picking myself up, I also feel the strange sensation of being mauled to death. What the hell?
Oh, so you guys aren't that bloody endangered, are you?
This second tiger knocks me around like... well, like I'm a small female human and it's a goddamn Bengal tiger. You can imagine how well this fight goes, but ultimately the 9mm pistol is mightier than the claw. I make my way back up top and find an ancient-looking dragon figurine sitting at random on the rock, which I pick up and put in my inventory. I raid it, if you will.
Eventually we get to the top of the cave, which makes me wonder why Lara rappelled down to the bottom of the cave to start with if the whole point was to climb out of it but I guess that's her thing. It wouldn't be a fun game if I took a helicopter directly to the final level and crashed straight into the last boss. But anyway, check out this stunning view! It's like something out of Crysis 3!
I haven't seen a skybox this lovely since I played the original Quake. Moving on swiftly, I enter a small stone outhouse and learn the art of run-jumping at the maximum distance which goes pretty well; I master it on my second try, but obviously I might not get a second chance at one of these jumps in a later level. Luckily this time round there's no real height or lava involved. But either way, I feel like I'm getting to grips with the jumping stuff a bit more. Hey, I've not played the game in 15 years. Give me a break.
I'm not talking to you, by the way. I'm talking about the eagle/crow/winged polygon which is giving me a hard time up on the Great Wall. There are, in fact, a few of them and it surprises me to learn that while a Tiger takes twelve bullets to kill, a crow will survive nearly thirty 9mm shots before falling out of the air. Who knew? They also hurt a bit more, too, so I'm oddly glad when I run away from the birds and find yet another tiger instead. Light pawing beats severe pecking, after all.
The tiger is circling a pool of water by the base of the Great Wall so I do the obvious thing and dive straight into it. I mean, obviously I dive into the pool. That's the obvious thing to do.
Cats hate water, don't they?
What's that?
Aaaaah, right.
I end up putting down my third exotic large feline of the day and begin mentally planning my apology note to PETA while I figure out what I'm supposed to be doing here. Back on the wall (where the creepy crows are) is a large gatehouse but I don't have the key - it takes me some time to figure out that the key is in the water pool, which I have to risk drowning to obtain and bring back to the massive wooden doors of the Great Wall Gatehouse.
Sheesh, we're only a few steps into the first level and I'm already getting portions of my cute ass handed to me from all fronts. This raises the question - how far am I really expecting to get in this game with only one life?
What awaits us inside our first tomb?
What of these cats that keep wailing on me?
The last one I can answer.
