Fourteen years ago a mute, crowbar-wielding legend was born.
Yup, fourteen years. It's really been that long since the original Half-Life was released. It's also been about the same amount of time since Gabe Newell last gave a shit about releasing Half Life: Episode Three.
Whenever you're ready, big G.
But rather than wait around for Episode Three to become even a remote possibility (after all the sun only has so much hydrogen to burn), I figured I'd go back to the roots and have a little Iron Man Mode session in the original Half Life game.
Before I start a game in IMM, I usually begin by projecting: what are the chances that I beat the game without dying? At which point am I likely to lose my one and only life? In Half Life, it's pretty clear that I'm not going to finish the game without dying. Where do you guys think that end will come?
Feel free to put your answers on the back of a postcard and then mail it to anyone else's address but mine, because I don't particularly care. But if I had to take a stab at it, I reckon this is going to end while fighting the Blast Pit boss, or very shortly afterwards if I survive that. HL is no doubt going to be a very difficult and tense game to play in Iron Man Mode, simply due to the number of 'screw that up that jump and you're dead, no questions asked' moments which are peppered throughout.
So I'm not under any illusion that I'm going to get to the end of the game, or even close to it. I've got as much chance of that happening as I have Gabe Newell appearing from nowhere as I type this, tenderly cupping his hand to my ear, and whispering the planned release date for Episode Three before handing me a double chocolate-chip cookie and glass of warm milk freshly squeezed from his left man boob.
Of course, the whole point of the exercise is to not die, otherwise the game and blog is finito. Luckily, I can't actually die on the training mission.
That doesn't mean I can't at least try to kill myself, does it? That's almost required of me. So the first thing I try to do once I get into my hazard suit is jump over a railing and fall to my death. To be honest, I haven't the foggiest idea why I attempt suicide. I love this game and hope the series here continues for as long as possible - but something in my brain tells me to do the very thing I'm prohibited from doing. Luckily, I just can't actually die in the training mission - we've just covered that point - so my moment of madness is cut short by the fact that I can't get over the railing to access the fatal drop. I'm glad that the game is so far saving me from myself.
Onto the next room. Lady Gordon appears in holographic form to talk me through how to jump over a series of obstacles. "In this first exercise, we'll practice the basic skill of jum..." meh, done. I leap across the room like a kangaroo on ecstasy before she can even finish her sentence. Next.
We do crouching. Easy. Then we do a combination of crouching and jumping. Yawn. Ladders? I've got the fundamentals sorted. Stealth mode? Already sneakin' past ya, lady.
In the next room, I have to run and leap over a series of platforms which are spaced out. The hologram tells me that it's difficult and I shouldn't be surprised if I miss the last jump once or twice, and I'm doing damn good if I get over all three jumps in one go. Sounds like a challenge, my non-corporeal friend! I'll show you how an expert jumps over three platforms. I'm going to jump over these increasingly widening spaces LIKE A BAWS.
Despite my initial excitement, I quickly grow bored of having to smash my way through fifty-thousand wooden crates in order to get to the next room. Really starting to wish I just went into the main game instead of sitting through tutorials on how to turn on a flashlight. Sorry, guys; Let's hurry through and get to the good stuff.
Before long I'm treated to some more substantial weaponry, including a rifle and some grenades. We do some target practice which I totally ace, and I get the impression the holograph lady is impressed. I think I'll take her out to dinner once all this is finished.
After passing a room with some radioactive gloop in it - an actual death trap which a player could conceivably die in if they had the coordination of a drunk crane fly - we meet some other people. Two security guards and a scientist; hellooooo:
This is, apparently, a massive social faux pas among the Black Mesa research crew because the guy draws his own gun and returns fire. Hmmm. I really did not think this through properly.
Losing health rapidly, I run away and dive into the elevator that got me into this room. This affords me a minute to collect my thoughts and I'm glad I can shut the doors. More than that, it seems I can go back down to the previous level. Perhaps if I leave and come back in bit he'll have forgotten that I put a bullet his knee? I try that. Ah, no. He's still unreasonably hung up about the shooting incident.
Given that he's not going to calm the hell down, I have no other option but to regretfully kill him to death. Really sorry 'bout this:
But that's okay (for me, not him.) I've still got that other security guard who isn't hostile, so assuming we can figure out how to open the locked door together, we'll be right as rain.
Oh for crying out loud. Now the second guard is kicking off about the fact that I just murdered his friend. Christ, do you have to be a total drama queen in order to pass the Black Mesa recruitment process?
But it all seriousness, this is getting out of hand incredibly quickly. I'm now getting killed to death myself, and there's not a great deal I can do because if I kill this remaining guard I'll never be able to get through that door. At the same time, I'm not particularly cool with just standing here and being shot at.
So I kill him too. Trust me, that decision hurt me more than it hurt him. Well, perhaps not. But why am I still being shot at?
And that's my blood decorating the back wall. I think the objective was to keep as much of that in me as possible. But now I lie here dying at the end of what may be the shortest Iron Man Mode series we've had so far, competing with perhaps the Elder Scrolls: Arena session I also started in vain.
Man, that sucked. I just failed in the basic training mission... ... the training mission. So this is where our adventures in Half Life end. As per site rules, once I die, all is lost including my game saves (didn't even have the chance to make any!) and the blog is discontinued. Although... nah, I'm not going to go there. That would be crazy. I was just about to suggest... ... nah, that's nuts. You guys don't want me to carry on this series using Half-Life 2. It's all part of the same franchise, but technically doesn't contravene Iron Man Mode rules because it's a different game entirely. Half-Life 2 in Iron Man Mode. What say ye?
* I died in the training mission.