In case you missed the last epic installment of my Minecraft adventure being played in Iron Man Mode, here's a brief run down of the situation (that situation being me about to die):
Before we continue I just want to point out that that's an iron sword in the first image, not a pork sword.
I'm being pushed towards a pool of lava and I can't fight the current. I'm trying to run sideways out of it, but at this trajectory I'll end up in it before I reach the side of the pool. If only there was some way I could run faster in Minecraft, my bacon would be saved! If only there was some way of using up my stamina to gain a momentary boost in my forward velocity...
The lava tinges my tush. This is pretty much the end. One tiny reprieve is that because I'm on the cross-section between lava and water, the second I get set on fire I'm extinguished. Repeatedly. But it still hurts, and it hurts a lot.
If only there was a way to fight against my inevitable fate.
If only I could... I dunno, sprint?
Oh wait, I can totally sprint. They added that in the last update, and I keep forgetting about that.
I tap 'walk forward' twice, and burst into a superhuman running-spree, working against the tide and deftly fighting the dual elements... except I don't do it quite so gracefully as it sounds because I can't figure out which side of the pool I want to end up on, and change my mind about seven times while splashing around. But eventually I do reach safety, and it's back on the side I was on originally.
And that's fine. I'm suffering a mini-cardiac right now, so I'm going to ignore the unexplored cave completely and finally get on with checking out where those Endermen were so eager to get to. And they did seem to be heading there en masse, with such purpose... perhaps it's an exclusive nightclub? Maybe once I'm in there I'll get to sip champagne cocktails with the Endermen in the VIP room while the scrubbers below dance to Kesha (I refuse to spell her name with a '$'). Maybe I'll be heralded as a lava-surfing hero among NPCs and treated as such with drinks on the house all night long.
That sounds ace. But let's not get ahead of ourselves. I'm only assuming I'll be waved straight up to the Enderman Cocktail Lounge. But those guys liked me, right? Will the bouncers let me in? Do I have to be wearing shoes? Hang on, I am wearing shoes... so what's the policy on Iron Armour shoes? They do look pretty smart.
I begin to make my way down. A couple of things interesting things happen at the same time.
Firstly, while trying to avoid slipping in the dark and falling, I slip in the dark and fall.
Luckily I land in the little water cascade which is running down from the hole's entrance. I say 'luckily', but it's really a mixed blessing - on the one hand, it stops be from falling too far and taking damage. On the other, I'm now completely at the waterfall's mercy and if (for whatever strange reason) I lose control of my character, I won't be able to get out of the stream if it looks like it's leading me to danger.
The second thing to happen is that Microsoft picks this moment to take control away from my character.
Every now and then a prompt appears telling me that my version of Windows 7 is pirated. For the record, it isn't! Well, that's a lie. It is. But... look, stop making a thing of it. Anyway...
... the point is that whenever this happens, the warning prompt forcibly takes over precedence from anything else I have running (and it is a 'warning' prompt - until I get this validated, I fully suspect that I'm only ever moments away from Navy SEALs bursting into the room and shooting me in the head.)
While I'm trying to alt-tab frantically to get rid of the prompt, I can see I'm being washed into another cavern. My urgency to regain control reaches new highs, and here's the reason why:
For God's sake! What the hell is up with water/lava deathtraps today?
The water seems determined to send me toward another firey grave (cremation?) and I watch in horror as I involuntarily ride the stream towards it. I alt-tab like those two keys are going out of fashion, getting back to the game via the three billion windows I have open then promptly skip past it with one too many frantic taps. On the plus side, I land on the eBay window I was deliberating over earlier and make a snap decision not to spend £60 on a limited edition vinyl LP. So that's money saved right there.
After another (and more careful) cycle I end up back in Minecraft with only a second or two before being forced to take a rather warm bath. I dive out of the water and onto the slither of dry rock next to it in a move Lara Croft would be proud of (in a world where we pretend Lara's main adversary is a minor software issue.)
Taking a moment to compose myself, I reflect on what can be learned here and plan my next move.
I think it's safe to say that lava will end up being the death of me, the end of the game and, by extension, this blog. In fact, if the good ol' fashioned gloopy stuff isn't the ultimate cause for my demise, I shall eat my hat.
With that in mind, do I really want to hang around in this cave? I mean, it's bananas. Just look at the damn thing!
Are the rewards of heading deeper into this lethal cavern ever going to justify the extreme risk, or should I just head back up top?
Balls to it. It's nearly 2AM here...
... Got nothing better to do, after all.
