#20 - In Which I'm The Best Chocobo Racer That Ever Lived

Oh hello. If you're only just stumbling in on this FFVII blog, please be advised that it's now longer than most of the characters' swords. Feel free to join in the fun - it's been a rollercoaster so far - but as Final Fantasy 7 has become the lengthiest series on Iron Man Mode by a long way, here's a handy link if you want to start at the beginning. ------------ You may remember - or not if you rightly blocked the experience from your mind - that last week we had a run-in last week with one of the most evil villains ever to make an appearance in the Final Fantasy universe: Sir Jimmy Savile.

I'm so keen to get away from this monster that I jump into an elevator with Nicki Minaj. Just to give that the gravitas it deserves, I'll use bold: I willingly jump into a confined space with Nicki Minaj.

What's next? A picnic with the Kardashians? A game of chess with Rihanna? This game is getting completely out of hand.

Luckily for me, Esther has nothing to do with farcical talent voids (although I still maintain she and Nicki were separated at birth). Instead, she's a rather gifted Chocobo handler and has vowed to do everything in her power to help we win the race and get out of here. Essentially, she tells me what the controls are and wishes me the best of luck.

The other Chocobo jockeys (heh) in the waiting room are ambivalent towards me and don't want to talk, but that's fine because we're called up for the race within minutes and I'm about to whip their tiny asses. All I need to do is come first or second and I'll have won our team's freedom. Heck, maybe I'll get a taste for this? I might end up having a natural talent for Chocobo racing and we can forget the main quest and just do this on the blog every week. I do the race. I come last. It's a stupid sport anyway. Back in the lobby, Esther encouragingly tells me I had a tough break and the Chocobo I had was a little bit flighty, which is entirely true and it wasn't my fault I came last because the bird was stupid. We saddle up on a different Chocobo and head out to the track to try again. Three minutes later:

SUCK IT, BITCHES! I RULE AT CHOCOBO RACING! After I rub my glorious victory in the faces of all the jockeys who were mildly unpleasant to me when I first got here five minutes ago, I go talk to Esther. She correctly points out that I did really well in the race and hands me a letter from Dio, the manager of the Golden Saucer. It tells me that Esther has explained the whole situation and my crew are to be issued a full pardon - why she couldn't have given me this letter before the race I'll never know, but oh well. In addition - and by way of apology - Dio has left a gift for us outside. Aeris calls me right on cue to reveal what it is.

Yes, Aeris. Your English is coming along well - those were all the correct words. Joking aside, those 'deserts' and 'rivers' have been nothing but a hindrance to our journey so far, so this 'buggy' will be an a boon to our arsenal. The letter from Dio continues: "P.s. I just recently met Sephiroth. He must have a lot of fans with boys your age. Why don't you get his autograph? He's headed toward the south of the river, towards Gongaga." Dio is clearly not one for keeping up with current affairs, but under which circumstances did this meeting take place? Over a coffee? While the main antagonist revealed his movements to a casino owner? Why wasn't I invited? Oh yeah, I was incarcerated. Crime doesn't pay! We take a moment to bid farewell to Esther and thank her for her help. She kindly says that we're welcome to come back if I get my own Race Chocobo and that she'll handle the training and registration. Yeah, not going to happen. Ever. Take care of yourself. But yay! We have a 'buggy'!

We're also travelling in completely the wrong direction. Nuts. I do a 360 and try to point myself the right way - Dio did say to go South of the river, so I have no idea what I was doing driving North for ten minutes. I immediately stop, realise that doing a 360 just points you in the same direction you were already facing, then do a 180 instead. To Gongaga! The detour causes me to get into quite a few random encounters and the monsters on this continent are 100% beef, so I'm pretty beaten up by the time I reach Gongaga. And who do we bump into when we get there? Our good friends, The Turks! We get the drop on them and hide behind some bushes. They're talking about which of the girls they fancy.

Oh, this man has good taste (in mid-90s polygon models). I'll just go ahead and add this to my little booklet of Reasons Why I'd Rather Ditch my Team and Join the Turks Instead *wets pencil nub with tongue, flips to page 231*. I also find out that the newest Turk member Eleanor likes their boss, Tseng, but Tseng is clearly not in possession of all his faculties because he has a crush on Aeris. We then get rumbled by Eleanor herself who sneaks up behind us. Turns out they were waiting for us all along... ... we get into a bust-up which I wasn't expecting otherwise I would have healed up after the random field battles. I'm a bit worried because a) Turk battles are usually hard, and b) I don't want to fight them, they're awesome. Regardless, I seem to be on fire today - the battle is over in minutes after I knock both of them around like a red-headed stepchild. Reno and Rude scarper off, soothing their bruised egos but living to fight another day. The team wonder how the Turks knew we were coming.

Everyone looks at me. What? I've never expressed any desire to join the Turks or wear a cool suit or help them out in any way!