#19 - In Which We Didn't Expect to See Them in FF7

In the last instalment, we were thrown into Bane's desert prison or something like that. This time round, I'm going to get out of it. Deshi Basara. A Fire Rises. Two indigestion tablets should sort that out.

But I'm skipping ahead a little here. The chap on the right is Barret's old friend Dyne, who survived the burning of Corel after Shinra proved yet again that most of the villages in Final Fantasy VII are made of paper mache and kindling. That happened about three years ago. Back in present day, and we've been thrown down in this prison because someone up top went on a rampage and shot a bunch of people. Witnesses say it was a big guy with a machine gun for an arm. The powers that be jump to all kinds of crazy conclusions and accuse Barret of the atrocities. Hello-0oo? It could have been anyone with a machine gun grafted onto his arm, you guys! Sheesh! Forever the objective narrator, I look around Coral desert prison to find out for myself if Barret has gone as mad as a box of spanners and developed a penchant for pointing his gun in people's faces. The gang find him in a dilapidated hut. He points his gun in our faces.

Through fear of being shot in the head, the gang take immediate evasive action by standing still and covering their eyes. Luckily, his bullets miss us and instead kill the hidden assassin hidden behind the couch. The others turn up to quiz Barret as to what the hell's going on.

EmilyKing! I already stated we wouldn't jump to conclusions here. Obviously it was another guy with a machine gun grafted on his arm.

Obviously. It's about as common an operation in the FF7 world as having an appendix removed. You should see the guy back in Midgar with a plasma rifle for a leg. As it goes when anyone starts a sentence with 'it was X years ago', we launch into a flashback about Corel. Yes, another one. Building onto the last little tale Barret regaled for us, he recalls how he first learned of the fire and how he survived it. What's odd is that he says he was on his way back from watching the nearby reactor being built when Shinra attacked the town... last time, he told us the Shinra troops set fire to the town as retaliation for a rebel attack on the reactor after it was built. No survivors can verify his story either way. Get Fox News on the case!

Swiss cheese timelines aside, Barret and his best mate Dyne - the only guy who knew the reactor would ruin everyone's day eventually - rush to the village to see it being razed to the ground. On their way to rescue their families, Shinra spring the lads and Dyne slips over the edge of a crevice. Well done, numb-nuts. Barret holds onto Dyne by the wrist. A stray bullet hits them both in their conjoined hands, and Barret subsequently drops Dyne, presumably to his death. Well done, numb-nuts. Barret explains how he managed to save Marlene from the fire and escape to Midgar where he set up that chapter of AVALANCHE. He lost his right arm as a result of his injuries but threw away his artificial arm in favour of having a machine gun grafted on. I assume the doctor who did this operation was dragged in front of an ethical hearing and struck off by the medical board immediately afterwards?

Nope, apparently not! Who the hell is this doctor anyway? Harold Shipman? Aeris guesses out loud that Dyne must be the other guy with the machine-gun arm, and by doing so gains a +10 stat bonus to the Bleeding Obvious. Since Dyne is the self-appointed boss of this prison, and the perpetrator of crimes we've been wrongly accused of, we go in search of him so Barret can make peace with his old friend. We find him in the junk yard just north of the prison boundaries. Barret says he knew his friend was alive, and always wanted to hook up with him for a mochalatte and a catch-up. Then something bizarre happens. "I want to destroy everything. This city, these people... the whole world!" yells Dyne. I get the feeling he and Sephiroth should probably hook up for a mochalatte at some point. They'd get on like a village on fire. It turns out the reason Dyne is having a bad day is because Marlene is his kid, not Barret's, and Dyne believes she died in the fire along with both of their wives. OOOOOHHHH. I never got that before. Even when I was picking apart Barret's parenting skills here the fact that Barret's black and Marlene is white never raised an eyebrow. Huh. Does this not beg the question as to why Barret didn't make any attempt over the last four years to reunite the two, given that he knew Dyne was still alive? Perhaps he didn't want to have Marlene brought up by a father with a gun for an... oh. Barret invites Dyne back to Midgar with him to see her, four years too late. Turns out Dyne might not make a suitable dad after all because he yells out loud that he'd rather like to kill his daughter. Probably for the best that we call the friendship quits at this point really - I get annoyed whenever yet another new character joins our nice little team. Plus, I spent ten blog posts trying to get out of stinking Midgar. I don't want to go back there anytime soon. Dyne points his gun at Barret's face. Barret covers his eyes. A common theme today, it seems.

But we do fight, and for a boss that usually gives me a lot of trouble whenever I play FFVII, I'm pleased to report that I take him down without hindrance in this Iron Man Mode play through. I had pegged this as a possible point our little adventure - and this blog - would end. On to another two thousand blog entries! At the end of the non-fatal battle, there's a poignant moment where Dyne tells Barret that his daughter would have been too young to remember him if he went back to her now, and his hands are too stained to hold her. Barret protests, saying his hands are even more stained. Dyne throws us his pendant, commits suicide, and thus concludes the Father of the Year Convention 2013. Time to see the guy in charge of the elevator about letting us back up to the casino. His name is Mr. Coates. Is it just me, or does Mr. Coates look a bit... a bit like...

Moving swiftly on, we explain the situation with Dyne to Jimmy Coates and he agrees to give us a shot at getting out of the prison. He goes on to explain that the only way of being let back up to the casino is if one of the gang manages to win a chocobo race. To help us in the face of this monumental task, he hands us over to one of the best managers in the Gold Saucer's Chocobo Square. Ester is in charge of training new chocobo jockeys - a phrase which oddly sounds like a playground insult to my ears - and she'll school Cloud in the art of chocobo riding. Heh.

A little bit funny? You're telling me... I mean, does anyone else think she looks... a bit like...

Great. So I've managed to reference Dr. Harold Shipman, Jimmy Savile and Nicki Minaj in today's episode. I'm going to stop here before Piers Morgan somehow makes an appearance and turns this from a Final Fantasy blog to a 'Worst People Imaginable' showcase.