So there's a spy in our midst! And it's totally not me (I swear!) I prove it by beating up the Turks and sending them on their way. Damn those devious, sly, awesome and ultra-swanky lookin' bastards. I hope they never invite me to join their ranks because if they do... ooh, I'll totally rough them up some more.
With Rude and Reno gone, the team briefly wonders who could be sympathetic enough to the Turks to slip them details of our whereabouts. Naturally, I have no idea but before we get to the bottom of it, leader Tseng turns up with Scarlet, head of the weapons division. They don't see us as we hide in the wreckage of Gongaga reactor (or as I like to call it, Lady Gongaga reactor) and they start talking loudly about their plans.
Seems that nobody in this place can keep details to themselves.
Well done, Scarlet. You just earned +10 to your Tautology stats.
They reveal they're after some of this rare big large massive gigantic huge materia to fashion some kind of 'perfect weapon', but they find none and fly off in a helicopter which I kinda want to have a ride in. No idea what they're up to or what this weapon is, but given the Shinra are behind it, I'm sure it'll shoot rainbows and cupcakes.
We set off back into the world at large. I take no more than three steps before being surrounded by frogs, who proceed to beat us up. Really? Frogs? Is this seriously going to be the second time this week I get roughed up by French snacks?
Erm, possibly - I can't run away since they're attacking on all sides, and the second they lick us we also turn into frogs. Very quickly the scene turns into something Paul McCartney would enjoy.
When your character is a frog, the physical attacks only hit for 1hp and you can't use magic... leaving you pretty screwed. Moreso when the frogs put your characters to sleep which they do frequently. Aaarrgh. I manage to dig through our items and find a Bolt Plume, wiping out the back row of frogs and we make our escape.
We get back in the buggy and drive on, but being of Japanese design the car explodes in a cloud of smoke and sparks just outside of Cosmo Canyon. How much mileage did we get out of that? Five miles? Awesome.
Before we get into the nearby settlement to ask for help, we get jumped by a bunch of penguins. Yeah I know, I know. Penguins. In the canyon.
Tifa is killed by the penguins, as mad as that sounds. After we kill the desert canyon's most common animal, Cloud and Barret do their little victory jigs.
I stare at Tifa's lifeless corpse, and I can't shake the fact that she's lying in a Christ-like pose, legs drawn together and arms outstretched. Hmmm, that's weird. I've never noticed that happen before.
Well, I guess you can find religious imagery anywhere if you look for it hard enough. Not worth dwelling on. I collect my experience points and Gil from the battle and revive her afterwards.
We march into Cosmo Canyon, which is basically like a gigantic hippie commune where everyone waxes lyrical about mother nature and how we should be nice to the planet and rub moisturising cream into the soil and blah blah blah. Let's get this over with quickly and get the buggy fixed so we can drive somewhere with normal people who eat meat.
The guard asks me if I know about Cosmo Canyon. I tell him I do - save me the waffle. He replies with "You lied. That is something that is not treated lightly here." Yep, it's this kinda place then. I'd can't imagine they'll have a bar here.
EmilyKing, who I named after someone on Twitter but whose real name is revealed to be Nanaki, runs off to find his grandfather. This is apparently his home. Lucky him.
I reckon Aeris will absolutely love Cosmo Canyon too. Perhaps we can ditch her here with a bit of luck? Let's face it, it'd save a fair bit of hassle later on and she'll be happier here with the hippies.
I bet Barret will agree with me. If I know our Barret - and I think I do - these happy-clappy nincompoops will probably annoy him more even more than they do me.
AAAAAARRGGGHH BARRET.
Well, we're stuck here for now. Might as well find someone who'll sell us some mushrooms, get as high as the stratosphere and try starting a Cosmo Canyon music festival.
Heck, it might even make my writing more imaginative.
If it was good enough for ol' C.S, it's good enough for me.
