I left off last time with two equally unappealing options. With night rapidly drawing in, I could stay on the open roads and risk attack from bandits, wolves, trolls or, if I'm really unfortunate, Something Awful forum members.
Alternatively, I could check out this cave I've just found but given that it's dark and named Bloated Man's Grotto, there is a high chance that whatever is inside will kill me. Nowhere named something like Bloated Man's Grotto will ever yield any good. It has bad news written all over it - I'm guaranteed to walk into this cave and fall straight into a pit of spikes or the Something Awful forums.
Rather than stand here freezing my (admittedly massive) Orc bollocks off, I make an executive decision and pick which I think is the lesser evil...
... I fearfully tread into the inky blackness that is the Bloated Man's Grotto.
And it's absolutely charming in here?
On the other side of the cave entrance is an open-aired oasis, and just around the corner a small waterfall feeds into a pool while a young doe drinks from the water's edge. The fauna is lush and even though I'm only a couple of meters beyond the rocky entrance, I'm surrounded by at least ten species of gorgeous, exotic flower.
Since nothing this nice ever happens to me in these stupid games, I draw my sword. A butterfly lands on the end of it.
I relax a little and take a stroll around this strange and beautiful world. I find some mossy steps which lead up to a humble-looking door; There's absolutely nobody around, so I can't see any harm in taking a peek since it might be a good place to bed down for the evening.
The door apparently has other ideas. Most doors, if they're not in the mood for visitors, will stick with the tried and tested method of 'being locked'. This one goes slightly overkill and magically sets me ablaze before I even get five feet near it.
Hmmm. This is peculiar.
Not that I'm a stranger to being on fire. Far from it. It's just that I'm not used to it happening so... spontaneously. And my extensive experience of being incandescent tells me that this is no ordinary fire. My health drains waaaaay quicker than it should, which puts me into a total panic as my health nears zero. I start downing health potions like they're going out of fashion - this brings me back from the brink of death, but that doesn't put out the fire so I have to keep drinking health potions to offset the damage drain for something like three hundred years until the fire goes out. At one point I even run out of potions so I have to eat food instead, which may be the first time in history someone has taken a break from burning to death to chew on a jambon.
As an aside, if you ever find yourself on fire in real life, don't look at a mirror. Catching the sight of yourself on fire will just freak you out even more (at a time when you need to keep calm.) You can have that advice for free.
But anyway, stupid magical fires. What was that all about?
Puzzled, I turn to leave. And speaking of leaves:
OH HAI.
Um... I've never met one of these before. It's a 'Spriggan', apparently. Where did he come from? Perhaps he didn't mean to shoot magical fire at me, so I try and speak to him so he can apologize for the mishap and we can go about our business with no ill-will between us. He apologizes by setting me ablaze again.
I retaliate by swinging my axe at him. You'd think this would be a winning move since trees and axes aren't great friends, but it takes virtually no health at all off him. Conversely, he's kicking my ass all over the grotto.
Despite all my previous promises to not take any bullshit off anyone, let alone an animated shrub, I'm not going to brawl with someone if it's near certain that I'll lose my one and only life. So I'm fine with admitting that, at this point, I back away calmly (read: sprinted away at top velocity, waving my arms in the air)
Outside of Dead Man's Arsehole or whatever that place was called, I'm disappointed to find that I didn't spend enough time getting my butt handed to me by a bush because it's still night outside. So basically, what's just happened is that I had to pick from one of two bad options and I ended up doing both of them. Great. But since I'm stuck on the open roads now anyway, I might as well make my way towards the nearest settlement and I see one silhouetted against the starry sky not too far ahead. Along the way a Khajit thief tries to mug me. I shove my axe up his arse.
Just outside of the fortress, I meet these fellows:
The guard tells me to keep my nose out. The prisoner urges me to stick my nose further in. The game gives me the option to free him, leave him, or free him and share my items.
I'm not known for my generosity, and I don't know whether I can take on all three imperials guards, but the prisoner has an interesting request: "If you know any true sons and daughters of Skyrim, tell them to head to Windhelm. Ulfric Stormcloak wants to see them." Hang about - surely I'm a true son or daughter of Skyrim? I mean, I'm not a Nord - something people go to great lengths to point out - but I am a patriot and want to fit in more than anything in the world.
So do I free him and heed his advice in search of acceptance, or do I avert my eyes and refrain from challenging the status quo?
