I'm in a cave, with one point of health, and stuck with a spider who seems keen to relieve me of it. This does not bode well.
With ninja-like reaction speeds, the second I see the spawner (after mindlessly walking straight into it without paying attention to where I'm going) I throw some torches around it in order to stop it spawning more spiders. It only churns one out before it's disabled.
But perhaps I'm not in such great danger after all. I remember that spiders are only hostile at night - otherwise, they mind their own business - and it was definitely daylight when I came down here and ignore all that it's definitely trying to kill me.
One tap from a stupid spider and it's all over...
... it's on, bitch.
It leaps at me. I deftly sidestep the attack and hit it as hard as I can, except I'm holding a torch and not my sword so it does little damage. We circle each other and I try to keep the spawner between us, which works for a while before the spider remembers it can totally climb over stuff and does so. I take a risk by running right at it before it has the chance to attack again, and hit it square in the face... with that torch again. What's wrong with me? We've just been through that!
The knowledge that this nightmare would be over by now if I'd only gotten my shit together puts me into an absolute bezerker rage, or at least into a state of measured annoyance. I whip out my sword - I get the impression this surprises the spider - and begin hacking. I furiously smash away at my arachnid foe until he's nothing but a detachment of legs and thorax goo. In reality it disappears into a wisp of smoke, but if you hadn't noticed I enjoy a bit of embellishment (the last five paragraphs covered about four seconds of game time).
PHEW. That was a really hairy situation.
I eat some food to reduce my hunger level - since the latest game update, being fully fed makes your health regenerate. I take a breather while my health bar tops itself up to acceptable levels, then see about claiming the spoils of my fight.
There's two chests in here. I open the first. Let's see what were they keeping in here.
Er... brains?
On closer inspection, it turns out that they're not dried-up old brains but cocoa beans. Well, isn't that just fine? Rather than risk my neck for something which will be useful in this game, I end up with an inedible form of chocolate. Whoop-de-doo! The next time I'm inches away from death, I'll be sure to pause and have a lovely mug of hot chocolate while I reflect on the nature of mortality.
Marvellous.
I check out the other chest and all I find are some saddles. Currently, the only use for saddles is for riding pigs. Why are monsters collecting these? Giant spiders riding around on pigs? The world sure is a mad place.
I take the bucket and the bread and leave the rest. Hardly a bounty, but the bucket may come in handy for any water-based shenanigans I get up to. Speaking of which:
Because I can't recall a single problem in the past with waterfalls leading into what look like lava-filled deathtraps, I dive straight on down to see what the haps are.
The waterfall twists and turns, leading ever deeper into the cave system. I happily splash my way down and hope to get down to the 'diamond level', which are the layers throughout which diamonds are most likely to form. When I eventually emerge from the waterfall, the first thing I find is some redstone which I'm particularly happy to see. Redstone has many uses, the main one being for setting up circuitry to power mine rails and all kinds of switches. Naturally, I won't be doing any of that nonsense since life's too short, but it does mean that I'm probably in the right area for diamond.
A big pool of lava. It stretches around the corner for a long, long way - if I'm ever going to find any of these elusive diamonds, it's definitely going to be around here!
TWO HOURS LATER
I find jack all.
Argh. Where is this stuff?
I make moves to leave this place and try a different off-shoot of the cavern, which was over here... or... um. Oh, the exit is over there.
No, that's not right. How did I get down here? Nuts. I'm clearly lost. But if I keep walking around this cavern long enough, I should find something that looks familiar which will allow me to backtrack.
FOUR HOURS LATER
I can't find anything familiar which will allow me to backtrack.
I'm getting pretty hungry in my lostness, so I rush to eat what I think is a pork chop but is actually rotten zombie flesh. Like, ewww! This instantly poisons me, so I start to lose health. On the other hand, it still fills me up so I start to gain health at exactly the same rate. Basically, nothing happened just then. Although I did find the meat kind of enjoyable once you get over the aftertaste of putrid death.
I keep wandering aimlessly. Then I wander aimlessly some more. After just about all I can take of aimless wandering, I still can't find a way back but I do come to a firm decision - I'll spare you the details, but it boils down to wandering aimlessly for, I dunno, another hour or so?
I could mine in a vaguely upwards-direction and keep going until I find the surface, but that's not going to net me any diamond. Although I'm lost, at least I'm lost in a place where I might fulfill my mission objective purely by being lost. Secondly, it's not a risk I'm willing to take - if I was to mine upwards and through the bottom of a lake, there's a strong chance I'd drown in the deluge. If I broke through the floor of a giant lava pool... well, I definitely can't breath molten magma. You can see the problem there.
I find a bit of gold, which always gets me excited even though it doesn't have any use besides making clocks. This will tell me what time of day it is (which isn't any use because I'm underground.)
I take the time to make a compass, which also doesn't have any use besides showing me the many directions in which I can continue to be lost.
Anyway, I'm sure it won't take too much longer to find my way back to that waterfall I came down.
ANOTHER HOUR LATER
Oh for goodness' sake.
THIRTY MINUTES AFTER THAT
Okay, this is promising! I still have no idea where I am (naturally) but I think I've just spotted some diamond. This is terrific, but it's hanging over some lava so I'll have to be extra careful not to either lose it or fall in myself. I think if I somehow break it out of the rock and it ends up falling in the lava after all this time searching for it, I'll just throw myself in anyway.
I tentatively edge around the pool and chip away at the overhang.
Oh, this is brilliant! If I get this diamond, and there's three there, I can use it straight away to make a diamond pickaxe, mine the obsidian I saw just down the corridor and make a portal out of here!
I break the cobble around it...
OH YOU HAVE TO BE KIDDING ME.
It's just lapis lazuli - that super rare, super useless blue stuff which always looks startlingly similar to diamond until you get close to it.
Stupid, stupid lapis lazuli... I take a screen shot of it anyway, but leave it where it is. No need to risk my neck for it.
I wonder if I'll ever find any diamond. Maybe I've generated the first ever Minecraft world which, by chance, doesn't have any diamond in the earth whatsoever, and I'm destined to roam it endlessly. Lost.
I sigh, and head back out of this cave.
No diamond here, so no point in poking around any longer or looking around in any great detail.
Nope. No diamond here. I'll try my luck in that side-cavern off to the right.
