So I was caught red handed trying to sneak out of a girl's house, and now she's giving me grief about it. The crazy thing is I didn't even manage to get my character laid.
Totes unfair.
As part of Aeris' continued and unrelenting mission to follow Cloud around like a smelly old dog with rickets, she insists on escorting him safely through Sector 6 back to Tifa's bar. Yeah, sure, this makes perfect sense; you hire a bodyguard because you're weak and useless, then when his shift is over you insist on walking him home. I mean, what the hell, right? Balls to it, with Aeris by my side I feel we should just skip to disc three and take on the final boss right now.
So we walk down the ruined street on our way to Sector 7, and we get attacked by a house. Yeah, you read that right. An animated house leaps out from nowhere and wails on the both of us, and manages to cause a fair bit of damage before we kick its ass back to planning permission.
The producers resorted to some pretty desperate measures to improve viewing figures for MTV Cribs.
Other than that, nothing else happens for the two minutes of walking before Aeris decides her job is done and she's gonna walk home. What was the point of that?
And then we get into this mad piece of dialogue:
I'm sorry, but... what? I escorted her home, she escorts me home, now it's suggested that I escort her back home again. When is this insane cycle going to end? Are we doomed to spend the rest of our lives walking back and fourth between Tifa's bar and Aeris' mother's house?
I sigh. There's no way of shaking her so she might as well come with me. We stop in the playground up ahead for a rest and chew the fat.
Aeris asks which class Cloud held in SOLDIER. First class, naturally. Aeris drops the fact that her ex-boyfriend was also in SOLDIER, first class. Cloud feigns interest. What was his name? Doesn't matter, she replies. Was it serious? Not really but they did like each other a lot and oh for the love of god I don't care.
While Aeris is presumably trying to make Cloud jealous, something brilliant happens:
Tifa rides past the playground on the back of a carriage, dressed in an elegant frock. In fact, she looks stunning.
Naturally, Cloud jumps up and runs after her, mid-conversation.
Hah, that's awesome. Let's find out what the FF7 is going on.
The carriage rolls into Wall Market - a sleazy and ramshackle series of huts offering exotic lady pleasures, illegal weaponry and... general groceries, for some reason. I might pick myself up a tuna sandwhich while I'm here. And some bitches and hos.
Speaking of which, it transpires that Tifa was all dolled up for a reason - I learn from a third party (we never do catch up to her) that she's pretending to be a prostitute in order to get close to Don Corneo, master of Wall Market and a man who... well, let's just say the Don is rather partial to night time pursuits, if you know what I mean. With working ladies. Know what I mean? In a sexual way. In return for material goods and money.
He likes to screw whores, is what I'm saying.
So we need to infiltrate his mansion. And, in a nutshell, we do that. I'll spare you the tedious session of item gathering we have to go through in order to disguise Cloud as a beautiful woman, but what I will say is that I have no idea why we need to go through so much effort to get him a wig. I'm yet to see a leading male Final Fantasy character who doesn't have an effeminate hair cut already.
Once we're inside, we're told to refrain from snooping around and wait in the foyer. After snooping around, we find Tifa in Buffalo Bill's basement:
Note the potion on the left of the screen. Or should that be 'lotion'? Either way I don't care JUST PUT IT IN THE BASKET.
So Cloud cowers in the corner through embarrassment with Tifa not realising it's him in the women's garb. Aeris takes the helm and introduces herself, before intentionally namedropping Cloud with a 'Oh let me start by alluding to the fact that I'm hitting that' kinda innotation. Tifa reacts accordingly, namely by punching her square in the face. Nah, doesn't happen. But she does act frosty as both girls sound each other out and try and get a handle on how close the other one is to Cloud. I feel flattered! On his behalf!
And a little bit scared because women are a fairly terrifying when they're like this. Other than some tidying of punctuation for flow, here's how the whole exchange goes:
Aeris: "... Tifa? Nice to meet you. I'm Aeris. Cloud's told me a lot about you."
Tifa: "... And you are? Hey, you're the one with Cloud in the park."
Aeris: "Right, with Cloud."
Tifa: "Oh..."
Aeris: "Don't worry. We just met. It's nothing."
Tifa: "What do you mean, 'Don't worry'? About what? No, don't misunderstand. Cloud and I grew up together, nothing more."
Incidentally, I tried to google the game dialogue above to paste it in rather than transcribe it all from my playthrough video. I ended up doing exactly that anyway, but did come across this page in my search which makes a very strong argument for the relationship between Cloud and Aeris versus his/my deluded fantasies of Cloud getting with Tifa. A very strong argument indeed. However, to counter all of the well-thought out points which the author raises on that page, I'd like to retort by pointing out I didn't read it.
So now that we've inarguably settled that Cloud and Tifa belong together, let's push on and see what happens in Don Corneo's mansion once Cloud reveals that he's in the room and heard every word of that exchange between the girls.
Tifa is... well, shocked at Cloud's attire. So shocked, in fact, that she forgets to ask how he got on with his seemingly fatal fall from the last time they saw each other. They then exchange pleasantries and get down to brass tacks; while Cloud has been messing around achieving the grand sum of nothing in the slums, Tifa and Barret have been gathering intelligence. One person they need to question is Don Corneo - hence Tifa being here - and while we don't know what information he has, their sources indicate that we need to speak to him. And by speak to him, I mean punch him in the face until he gives us the information.
Nah, not really. I'm just keen for characters to punch each other in the face today.
I contest that. You're not exactly Jenny from the Block, love.
The trio are summoned to present themselves in front of the Don so he can choose his companion for the evening. He picks Tifa - he may be a misogynist, guys, but you can't fault him on his choice of bitches - while Cloud and Aeris are ordered into separate rooms for a lovely cup of peppermint tea and a spot of gang rape.
Don Corneo's goons have some of the best chat-up lines in all of Midgar. Lock up your daughters! Lock up your main characters dressed as women!
Don Corleone... er, Don Corneo's goons swarm around Cloud and bug the hell out of me, so I don't waste any time in cutting them all to ribbons without difficulty, finding Aeris and then storming the Don's master bedroom. It's a good job we don't bust in on Tifa and the Don mid-coitus otherwise that would be mentally scarring. I don't know why they would be, but maybe Don Corneo's a smooth operator like Bill Clinton or every Italian I've ever met on holiday. Just whack on a bit of Marvin Gaye and perhaps the Don can seduce even the angriest of freedom fighters.
We corner him but he's reluctant to tell us what we want to know, so we each take it in turns to threaten him with castration and other forms of genital mutilation. Wait, we do what? Team, reign it back a bit! We're playing a PEGI 12+ game, here! Needless to say, Corneo considers his options carefully and decides to spill the beans rather than have Aeris crunch his junk under her oh-so-fashionable jack boots. Turns out we have something of a problem on our hands. A massive problem...
... Shinra knows that the AVALANCHE hideout is in the Sector 7 slums, although not its precise location.
Their secret plan involves destroying the support column holding up the top plate. It'll fall down, crushing the entirety of the slums below and killing thousands of innocents, then framing AVALANCHE for the attack. All just so the terrified survivors will cling to the Shinra government for protection while they get handed carte blanche to do whatever the hell they want.
What? No, let's not go there.
