Following on from our run-in with Sephiroth and his fugly mom Jenova, we've finally make it across the ocean and manage to sneak out onto the dock, entirely unnoticed by the Shinra crew.
Well, except the very first guy we meet, who says 'You're stowaways, aren't you?' but he's not paid enough to care and leaves us to it.
The sun-baked asphalt is hot beneath our feet. A faint waft of sunscreen lingers on the air. Men who have no business wearing speedos are, indeed, wearing speedos.
That's right - we've made it to Costa Del Sol! Which is not to be confused with Costa Del Sol, or Costa Del Sol. No, we're in Costa Del Sol.
Let me paint a mental picture for you. The whole gang is here, and this party comprises of:
- A talking fox- A man with a machine gun for a hand- A hot girl in hotter pants- A smelly hippy in a pink dress and jack boots
- A spikey-haired guy wearing a purple jumpsuit armed with a five-foot sword
With this in mind, Barret offers some sage advice:
Uh-huh. We'll do some work on that.
Aeris asks if she'd look better than a tan. The game doesn't allow me to reply with "yeah, the anaemic chick in Gestapo boots vibe does nothing for me," so I just have to harm her self-esteem as much as the game will let me and point out that tans looks healthy. She wanders towards the beach and the others disperse too.
After taking a moment out to wonder whether it'd be more helpful to pilots to have the giant word 'HELIPAD' on top of the helipad rather than on the side, I leave the dock area just before President Rufus Shinra disembarks the ship and his helicopter lands (the pilot figures it all out btw). Rufus knows we were on board, and he knows Sephiroth was on board; what he does not know is how the hell his staff let us all get away.
As a result, he's angrier than a Westboro Baptist Church member at a mass gay orgy. But that's of no concern to me. I escaped because I'm a badass, and Sephiroth escaped because he's even bad-ass-er.
Where this leaves us is with Shinra chasing me because I slipped through their net, while I follow Sephiroth because he slipped through my net and Shinra are having to chase both me and Sephiroth because... well, because their net clearly sucks. Sephiroth, on the other hand, doesn't seem to be chasing anyone. In fact, who the hell knows what that guy is up to, or what his thoughts on nets are.*
Rufus flies off in his helicopter and the rest of his team also leave Costa Del Sol. This is an odd move on their part; they know Sephiroth and I just got off the ship. Furthermore, they know I didn't just fly off in my own helicopter. So why they're flying off to begin their search in an entirely different town is beyond me.
But hey, I'm not going to look a gift horse in the mouth here. My dudes deserve a vacation.
I wander about Costa Del Sol, soaking up the sun, when a lovely-lookin' villa catches my eye. I enter, but my blood turns cold as I find a man who looks suspiciously like an estate agent inside.
Oh Jesus. It IS an estate agent! RUN AWAY. ABORT. KILL HIM. WHY CAN'T I GET AWAY FROM THIS. AAAGH.
I'm stuck in the conversation with him. He's trying to sell me the house for 300,000 Gil, and I'm so broke I just had to stowaway on a ship because I couldn't afford a ticket. When the emptiness of my pockets comes up in the conversation, the estate agent gets all pissy with me and demands that I leave.
Naturally I walk around and steal anything that isn't nailed down. I must admit, this is a gorgeous villa. I could see Tifa and I shacking up here and living out the rest of our days. But alas, we won't get the opportunity to settle down until we save the entire planet from armageddon and that's gonna take us up until at least Tuesday.
Here's a promise, you guys. If I make it all the way through FF7 in Iron Man Mode, the very last thing I'll do in the game is buy this place and leave Cloud to a life of peace and happiness before I bid you all farewell.
In the mean time, let's go shopping.
I don't buy anything from this guy. Instead, I've just sold him all my old weapons so now he's got less money and more unsellable crap. I feel no remorse because if he goes bankrupt that'll be one less person competing with me to buy the villa. Hah! What a chump.
What's this guy got for sale?
This is the first time I've ever met a trader who's opening gambit is to inform me of his desire to hire a prostitute. I'll pass.
I find the inn and rest up, although my sleep is slightly marred by the fact that the room cost me 200 Gil for the night. Daylight robbery! And they sting you twice with the drinks prices, too. Bloody TripAdviser.
In the morning, I find EmilyKing lazing in the shade while some kids play football. I kick the football right at her face, just for laughs. I then head down to the beach to check out the honeys, but instead I try and push some kid's head under the surf as he's paddling.
Wow. What's wrong with me? Why am I griefing everyone in the town? I think the sun is going to my head. Or maybe I'm just overcompensating for the inadequacy I feel in not owning a villa. Either way, I think we should probably move on.
I quiz some people for information but it doesn't take much in the way of sleuthing to figure out where to head to next. Almost everyone I chat to divulges, at great length, how they saw a guy in a black cape passing through. Rather than point out how silly it is to wear black in this heat, Cloud dramatically yells 'THAT MUST BE SEPHIROTH!' after each person finishes their story. The final confirmation comes after Sherlock talks to this guy, who claims he saw a man in a black cloak rise up out of the ocean:
You think he had tickets for the Golden Saucer? What? So the end-of-game boss walked out of the sea, came strolling right up to you and said 'Dude, check it out - I've got a ticket for me and my mom to go play the slots'? You, sir, have sun stroke.
Let's get out of here. It's time to head over to Mt. Corel.
I'll close this episode by celebrating the fact that I'm still not dead in this little IMM romp.
HOORAY!
* Go see if you can buy a net online. Not a net curtain. Not the kind of net screening you use to keep insects out. Not a fishing net. An actual net; the type gladiators used to throw at people. It's an impossible Google challenge!**** Don't ask me why I want to buy a net. I have my reasons. Yes, it involves ninjas.
