Oh, hello! You're joining me just as I'm making a new friend:
But yes, welcome back. So last time I managed to get myself onto a boat in hot pursuit of Sephiroth, and this time I'm being propositioned by a sailor. I think that's what's happening here, anyway.
After nervously accepting this guy's seaman drink and some inappropriate touching which I don't want to talk about, I find out that this ocean cruise is heading for the coast. This is exciting news, since I absolutely adore the coast! I then realise that every trans-continental cruise in existence should - if it doesn't sink - end up at a coast, so my surprise may be unwarranted.
My excitement is still justified though, since everyone likes a lovely vacation in Costa Del Sol. Sure as heck beats being stuck in Midgar with its smoggy air, high gas prices and being framed for acts of terrorism. By that, I mean being framed by the acts of terrorism we didn't commit rather than the acts of terrorism we did, in fact, commit.
But forget all those past atrocities. Time to head to Costa Del Sol! Hurrah!
According to the guide book, Costa Del Sol is a charming resort town where the cocktails are plentiful, the surf is inviting, the ice cream flows like melted ice cream and the likelihood of there being acts of terrorism are slim (unless Barret tries to blow up the beach because he considers sand to be an affront to Mother Nature, or something mad like that). I go tell Tifa the good news just in case she wants to slip into a tiny bikini now, and if so, would she like me to rub suntan lotion on her front?
Rather than join in my merriment, she just mumbles something about soldiers and war, and how they always "take away the things and people you love."
Blimey, who invited Little Miss Glee Club to the party boat? I only thought it'd be nice to get away for a couple of days and have a lovely break. You'd have assumed she'd welcome it, especially as she hasn't had a proper holiday since I walked back into her life after five years of silence and irrevocably turned everything upside down. Tch. Some people just don't know how to appreciate a good thing.
But before we get to ogle bikini-clad girls in that admittedly creepy way I do in games but have no courage to do so in real life, we've got a problem to deal with.
That problem is wearing a black cape and carrying a terrifying sword:
Yes, probably. We've just heard over the tannoy that there's a suspicious man on board the ship, most of the crew have been tickled with a six-foot sword and it was established earlier that Sephiroth is slinking around the place somewhere. I think it's safe to assume it is, in all likelihood, Sephiroth.
No, of course not. That guy was clearly just a standard Shinra guard.
Wait wait wait. This dude suddenly appears from nowhere, laughing like a maniac.
Yup, that's Sephiroth. It looks like we've finally found him. Naturally he slaughters everyone in the room and this is the end of the blog. Thanks for reading!
Not really. I mean, he totally could given he's the frickin' End of Game Boss and we're barely past level 18 on our stats, but he doesn't. Mercifully. I'm aware it's the fourth time I've said this, but how much of a deathwish does the party have trying to track down Sephiroth at this stage? Especially given that A) the game crowbars in assertion that Sephiroth is the best warrior in the world at every opportunity it gets, and B) we don't have Chuck Norris on our team. Yet...
Anyway, rather than treat us all to a complementary steel enema, he sticks around for a second to chit-chat. He doesn't seem to remember who Cloud is - a bit odd, doncha think, given the previous established history between the two? Cloud is equally as surprised, but we only get as far as yelling 'FORESHADOWI...' before Sephy cuts us off and plunges us into Boss Battle #9.
Thankfully not with himself, but with his beautiful mother:
Sephiroth literally throws this thing at us as a distraction while he escapes. Look at it! This is precisely the reason why I'm reluctant to fight Sephiroth in person. Or make 'your mom' jokes to his face.
In reality, it's not too difficult to take down Jenova despite her outrageous size and lazer-shooting eye-boob. You have to fight her four times in the game - two of these battles you've got to be pretty dumb to lose - and although this first incarnation has a whopping amount of health, her attacks don't cause much stress. Even with my materia badly split between the party members (for some reason I've got Cloud set up as the Grand Wizard of Hogwarts while the others are perplexingly stuck with pointless magic like Chocobo Lure), I drop Jenova like a sack of old bollocks.
After the battle, the group reflect on the fact that Sephiroth must have sprung Jenova from its holding cell in Midgar, falsely believing that it's his mother. Easy mistake, I guess. The resemblance is uncanny.
Cloud wistfully turns his gaze towards the ceiling.
Erm... yes, Cloud. I think that's something we can all agree on.
Does anyone else have any incredible insight into what just happened? Tifa, yes - you've got your hand up. What are your thoughts, darling?
Woah, slow down with the details! Let me grab a pen.
The boat docks, which seems like a great place to call it a day for this episode. I'll let Cloud have the last word.
It's certainly not something we can rule out at this stage.
