"Elder Scrolls: Arena has been noted for its tendency to be unforgiving towards new players. It is easy to die in the starting dungeon, as powerful enemies can be encountered if the player lingers too long." - Some bloke on Wikipedia
Oh, hell yeah.
That, my friends, sounds like a challenge!
I've waffled on a bit about Skyrim over at the [news section (and yes, news is such a strong word) so I figured I would go back to 1994 with Arena, the first of the series, and put that wiki quote to the test in Iron Man Mode. I've never played Arena before, but let me say this right from the off: it's the most challenging thing I've ever encountered.
By that I mean getting it to work. A zillion hours of software tweaks later and I'm finally in.
I know the game is old enough to legally buy alcohol, but it's painfully apparent how out-of-touch it is from modern society right from the off:
If only it were that easy for people living in David Cameron's Britain. Boom! Take my social witticisms, you upper-class toffs!
Not being a social elitist, I choose to determine my own lot in life and hit 'select'. I'm given the following options:
Ranger
Rogue
Sorcerer
Spellsword
Thief
Warrior
Burglar
Healer
Knight
Mage
Monk
Bard
Battlemage
Assassin
Archer
Acrobat
So, pretty bog-standard fantasy character classes... assassin, mage, rogue, acrobat, sorcer.... wait, what? Acrobat? Bard? What good are they going to be over a freakin' battlemage? And what's a spellsword?
Furthermore, isn't thief just a cooler way of saying burglar? I guess the former sounds like a skilled profession, whereas 'burglar' is a bit more disparaging: 'so you're a Battlemage, huh? That's pretty sweet. Me? Oh, I just take stuff that doesn't belong to me.'
I guess a real world equivalent is how 'time wasters' sometimes maraud under the 'telemarketer' class.
Kinda surprised that isn't on the list, actually.
In honour of my real-life heritage and profession, I choose the class of The Bard (I'm an English writer, see?) even though there isn't any info as to what useful skills bards bring to the table.
Right. Finally ready to play the game! Argh, spoke to soon. Apparently I also have to choose a face.
I pick the one that looks most like James Hetfield, which tends to be the best thing to do in any situation. WWJHD.
With that sorted, it's time to head out into the world and embark on our heroic adventure!
What dangers await us in the sprawling world? What untold riches are hidden in the depths of Tamriel's most challenging dungeons? What...
... the hell, dude. Seriously?
Questionable cursor placement ftw
I have absolutely no idea what these numbers are about, and they could relate to some kind of Keynesian macroeconomic formula for all I care. I set it to completely random - pretty sure I'm not going to live long enough to see the consequences of my actions here - and brace myself for some thrilling RPG action... it's finally time to begin our tumultuous adventure!
Staring at a brick wall! Now that's what I'm talking about!
I wait for a moment to see whether or not a prison guard will show up to give me a lecture about the world's history, how I came to be here, a bit of foreshadowing on a terrible peril which only I will be able to sort out, and some leading questions which result in me having to fiddle with character stats for half an hour. No such thing happens, so I surmise that this bit of Elder Scrolls protocol must have been introduced later on in the series.
So is this... huh? Am I playing Minecraft?
Turning around, it appears I'm in a damp dungeon filled with the echoes of beasts hungrily roaming around in the darkness. Cripes. I have had extensive experience of waking up in this kinda place after a heavy night out, however, so I press on unperturbed.
I do not stay unperturbed for very long. In fact, I become 'turbed rather quickly as I meet my first monster:
Argh! A goblin thing! A very stupid goblin thing, that gets stuck long enough on a simple walkway for me to take this screen shot. Say cheese, bitch!
Goblins aren't famous for being hard-asses, so I ready my fists, dive in and let loose a barrage of punches. Unfortunately, bards are also not famous for being hard-asses, and my punching spree isn't very effective... mainly because it doesn't actually happen. What the heck are the controls?
As I mash my keyboard like a gibbon trying to find the 'punch goblin in face' button, he gets in a couple of hefty blows in with that ludicrous axe (how is he carrying that bloody thing?) and my health is now already below the half-way mark.
This bard is smart enough to know when he's licked.
I gather what little dignity I have left and hightail it outta there - glancing back over my fleeing shoulder, I'm pleased to see he's stuck on the corner again and isn't giving chase so I find a safe spot and figure out what the deal is with attacking (hold the left mouse button and swing the mouse around your head like a mentalist, apparently.)
Even with this nugget of info I'm still reluctant to take another pop at him. Guys, don't you know goblins are hard-asses?
I follow a different path and... well, I come to regret it.
Big time.
Because my choice becomes my undoing.
First up, I find another axe-wielding goblin but a couple of well-aimed punches lets him know who's boss. I inspect his corpse and take the only weapon he's carrying - perplexingly, a sword - and march onward through an iron gate at the end of the corridor.
I find myself in a room with some kind of aqueduct. I don't know where it leads or how deep it is, so I play it safe and dive straight in without further investigation. It becomes immediately apparent that I'm not going to be able to get out of it; although the water is shallow the ledge is too high. I have no choice now but to follow the stream.
I splosh through a tunnel, which is the only place I can go, and after a couple of minutes of traversing the labyrinthine sewer system I encounter my third goblin of the day.
Except I don't really encounter him - he encounters me. And by 'encounter' I mean 'tries to decapitate me'. And by 'tries to decapitate me' I mean 'yeah he actually decapitates me'.
While running through the aqueduct, an axe swings into my neck. My health is dangerously low as a result, which I guess is to be expected after running into the business end of a sharp weapon.
I turn to the left and spot my assailant. He's craftily hiding on the ledge above me, and although I can't see him properly, my axe-senses are tingling and I just know that he's moments away from landing another blow.
What a dick!
Before I even get the chance to pull out my own weapon, I hear a ker-thunk and the screen goes black.
a little taster of how that looks.
I take that as a pretty sure sign that I'm dead.
But what's this? Some music begins to stir in the background. Perhaps I did not die, but was merely knocked unconscious? Maybe the game was just waiting for that to happen, and I'll awaken in a nearby village with some kindly old man who has healed me up. "Where am I?" I'll say. "You're in the village of Ravenglasswizardhelmfantasyfort, kid," he'll reply. "You should really take better care of yourself... why don't you see the grandmaster in the house on the hill, who can teach you the art of Punching Goblins in the Face?"
Perhaps I... ooh, hang about. Who is this chick?
Am I going to make it out of this in one piece?
Oprah, give me some good news!
Took me an awfully long time to figure out that Oprah's closing statement is, in fact, grammatically correct.
Oh.
Definitely dead, then.
At least she was pretty chill about me letting everyone down.
