With the formalities over with, it's time to get down to some serious dungeon crawlin'.
We begin with four people being chained together and thrown into a pit. Let's get cracking with Legend of Grimrock, or as I like to call it, Joseph Fritzl's Diary.
It's the second time in as many weeks that I've been dropped into a prison from on high for dubious 'crimes', so perhaps it's just something I should come to expect from my Tuesdays. The narration gives us a tiny bit of exposition into what's going on: "As they are plunged down the open maw at the peak, their crimes are absolved". That's nice, then. "Everyone before them has perished in the guts of the mountain, but will you be able to lead them through the dark and to the freedom that awaits at the base of Mount Grimrock?"
I think we all know the answer to that question. Given my previous success at playing games in Iron Man Mode, it's a wonder my guys manage to survive the initial fall.
To make matters worse, I've started the game up in hard difficulty. I can't remember why I did that to be honest. I think I just wanted to impress you all.
I accidentally skip the character creation screen so I'm stuck with whatever four dudes the game felt fit to give me. The party of four - who are now unknowingly being controlled by a buffoon who'll ultimately get them killed - have silly fantasy RPG names like Sri'saqueth and Xivian and Derek.
Henceforth, I'm going to refer to them as Fighter One and Fighter Two who are up front. Bringing up the rear are Throwy Girl, a master at chucking crap at enemies, and Gargamel, an evil-looking mage. Sure, I could have been more original but I feel there's very little point in us having a Grand Naming Ceremony for characters who aren't going to live to see their next birthday.
We start off in a room which looks suspiciously like my basement office. Hopefully there'll be less spiders to fight in Grimrock than my office.
I spend some time getting the hang of the controls before checking out the message scrawled next to the gate. "Choose your fate - perish in this cell or pick up the torch". Naturally I choose to perish in the cell rather than venture into the dungeon because it looks pretty scary, but after standing around for a bit waiting to die I realise that it isn't much fun to write about.
I pick up the torch. The gate springs open as a result. Eeek.
The next five minutes are a pretty ho-hum affair, comprised mostly of me poking every single brick I can see after the game shows me a loose one which opens a secret passageway. There's a lot of bricks to get through but I don't find anything else.
Keys are put into doors, weapons are armed, graphics are admired and I find some clothes which I promptly put on; I didn't realise we were wandering around butt-naked. You're not going to intimidate anyone with your tackle hanging out, Fighters One and Two.
Speaking of which, the two lads up front are now armed with maces and Throwy Girl has a rock which I guess she can chuck at something. Once. Gargamel completes the ferocious line-up when he finds a fire spell, which I try out by shooting a deluge of flames at the wall two feet away from us. This blasts back and scorches the entire party, taking off a substantial amount of damage. Great work! I shall look forward to using that on something that isn't a member of my team.
Speaking of which...
Hello, beasty.
What in the good god damn is that?
A giant snail? Blimey.
In lieue of a really big jar of salt, we'll have to kick this thing's ass the conventional way. Throwy Girl half-heartedly chucks her rock at the French delicacy, which I don't think does much damage but it makes her feel productive and catches the thing's attention. It rushes over at speeds that I personally find quite surprising for a snail.
Still, it's just a snail, right? What's it going to do, creep in under the kitchen door and leave shiny trails all over the carpet for me to discover in the morning? The party is so unconcerned that Fighter Two perplexingly throws his mace to one side, which baffles me but I'm sure we didn't need that anyway.
Oh.
Fighter One registers his support for the team by dying.
Fighter Two doesn't have a weapon, Throwy Girl has nothing with which to live up to her title and I'm too scared to let loose with Gargamel's fire magic in case it sets Fighter Two ablaze which would impede his job somewhat...
... join me next week on the only site where you can read about a guy punching a giant snail to death.
