Last time, we were given the option to either sneak in up the back passage or enter through the front as standard.
Ah, daft innuendo. You know that's why you keep coming back here.
After weighing up the options, I decide to take a missionary position on the issue and choose the front entrance. The covert stair-climbing is really fun, and I love the non-plot advancing character dialogue which happens if you take the stairs, but I'd prefer the XP points I'll get through fighting the guards at the main entrance (quicker, too). And if I'm being honest with you guys, and sometimes I'm not, it isn't all that practical to write about taking the five minute, dialogue-heavy stair option.
But that leaves the only other downside to busting through the front gates: the increased chance of me getting killed. I'd imagine the security in the Shinra HQ is pretty tight.
Yeah? Just come over here and try it. I'll be the worst boss fight you ever encounter, chump.
Okay, apparently not. If I was running a tyrannical megacorporation, I'd have a tiny number of my most pansy-ass guards covering the front door, too.
It takes us no time at all to smack through the four soldiers which have only about 100 HP each (for the record, my dudes are striking with about 50 HP each blow, and the guards dealing roughly 15). We jump into the elevator which recognises that we're intruders, but unlike your regular sentient elevator, instead of locking down it takes me to a series of random floors which feature progressively harder enemy battles. Almost like we're trapped in a video game, or something.
We get past all that and see a cut scene of a guard sleeping in the security monitor room as we prance around on the screens over his shoulder. We're in a room in which the guards take it in turns to look the other way while we advance and hide behind columns, out of view. On the whole, getting right into the upper levels of the Shinra building was less of a hardship than getting right to the end of a Prometheus screening.
On behalf of your employers: fire yourself.
But to his kudos, he has invented some kind of innovative keycard system which totally baffles me. We're currently on floor #59 and need to progress upwards, but how on in the world do we get past the security doors?
Sure, I get that. But how do I actually get into the sixtieth floor? Won't anybody blurt the secret of this security nightmare?
Why won't anybody help me?
Oh, okay. So let me get this straight - if I don't have a keycard, then what?
Bummer. Well, it's not like anyone is just going to give me a keycard, so we'll have to just call the whole mission off.
This all be soundin' like new-fangled crazeh talk to me, but what the hey. I'll give this a shot.
I work my way up the levels, and manage to bag some pretty cool loot in all the secret places (including an Elemental materia) thanks to my incredible sleuthing skills. Also thanks to the FF7 Wiki I've got open on the other monitor, because let's face it, I was never going to work out that security nonsense on my own without referring to a game guide.
Most of the floors on this building - entire floors - serve no other purpose other than to provide a cryptic puzzle to anyone in them. I'll come right out and say it: this is the most bitchin' evil base ever! I love it and I demand to know to whom I should inquire about renting an office here. I bet there's even a conference room for mapping out evil plans, as well as big metal air ducts for people to clamber around in.
Sweet - two for the price of one!
We eavesdrop on the head brass at Shinra who are having an executive meeting. I imagine a secretary called Kathy taking minutes, and this is how they'd look if they were ever made public. Bonus fact: In every office in every building all over the world, there's always a secretary called Kathy taking minutes. Always.
Hmmm. As far as eavesdropping sessions go, that was one of the most eavesdroppiest. With this newfound information in mind, we decide to follow Dr. Hojo as he leaves the meeting. He's not hard to track and I'm pretty sure I recognise this guy - can't remember from where, but I'm sure there was something about his previous work in the news.
We sneak behind as he leads us to directly to his super-secret research facility (the only area of the building which doesn't need a key) which is filled with expensive looking equipment, curious machines, dudes wearing white lab coats and animals wearing vivisection equipment. I feel like he should get a few bubbling beakers in here to complete the effect? No? Just saying. Might look nice. It's his lab, I guess he can do whatever he wants.
Quite literally, in fact. When Hojo was in the executive meeting and declaring that he wanted to breed Aeris earlier - and I do not condone her having offspring at all - he was actually pitching the idea of forcing her to mate with an entirely different species. Yeah, I know. For the second time in this series I'd like to point out that this game was rated suitable for anyone above the age of eleven at the time of release. Unless you're one of the new schoolers who go by the PEGI system in which it's rated 12+ (but let's face it, PEGI not only sounds silly but it is silly). Either way you look at it, the powers that be deem forced sex with animals totally cool for anyone above the age of about 13. Screw you, Jack Thompson, you ridiculous little man. Game ratings are totally baseless, and so are your bogus legal 'activism' attempts.
Sorry, went a bit tangential there. Where were we?
Ah yes, Aeris being forced to mate with some kind of weird fox-looking thing.
This is exactly what Conservative Christians see in their heads when they think of the word 'scientist'.
Although... the more I think about it... weird-fox looking thing? Hang about.
Are they trying to get Aeris to breed with Miles 'Tails' Prowers from the Sonic the Hedgehog series?
You know what, this is something I could probably get behind...
DISCLAIMER: The closing sentence was meant in jest only and is not an invitation to send me Aeris / Tails fan fiction or art. You furry creeps need to settle the hell down.
