Given that I haven't really posted anything substantial since some ancient Jewish guy was getting nailed, and not in a good way, I figured it was time for a quick recap. You can read the previous entries here if you'd like to catch up properly.
So I've been playing Final Fantasy VII, otherwise known as FFVII and more frequently referred to as 'You're mistaken, sir, Seven was miles better than Eight'. We've been rocking out in Iron Man Mode, except not only will my playthrough and this blog end abruptly the second I die (as is the entire concept of the site), but the stakes are even higher than usual this time...
... as I laid it out when I started approximately 2,000 years ago, when I die this time, I'm never going to play the game again.
But that time is not yet upon us. I'm back to resurrect this adventure because, and this is a surprise to everyone, I'm still not dead! But before we get out the champagne (or sparkling white wine - we're cheap here at IMM) it's important to note that we're not even at the end of disc one yet. Not even close, in fact, despite being twenty-two posts into the adventure.
We've still got to visit Nibelheim and battle our way through the difficult Mt. Nibel. We have to go to Rocket Town, the coolest place in the world, and meet Cid. Then it's back to the Golden Saucer for a bit of downtime, pick up a keystone then head to the Temple of the Ancients where Sephiroth will get all up in our grill. Then some slut dies, and that's the end of disc one.
Right now however, we're still in the hippy paradise that is Cosmo Canyon. Let's get back to talking about how lovely the planet is, and eating curly kale.
"This place is really dangerous," Bugenhagen informs us. "You're probably all going to die."
"Ho ho hoooo," he adds.
Oh yes. I remember. We're about to enter the GI cave to fight some evil ancestral spirits. And he's not wrong - it is really dangerous in this place. Ho ho hoooo.
Inside the main cave, I've got the option to engage in various battles in exchange for goodies. Bugenhagen tells us that the spirits in here were once brave warriors who fell in battle. Naturally I don't fight any of them because I'm a coward.
We walk further into the cave and I do my best to avoid any action more strenuous or heroic than 'walk further into the cave'. Unfortunately for me, the game makes the crazy assumption that I actually want to play it properly. It forces me into picking between walking into a dead end or fighting one of two giant spiders.
I try exploring the dead end first, just in case. Ultimately I fight a spider.
It's not the easiest battle I've ever fought. Nanaki is reduced to a sliver of health almost instantly, and Cloud ends up with more venom in his blood than blood, if that's even medically possible. We take it out eventually, but because my cowardice is matched only by my idiocy, it turns out I picked the wrong tunnel and have to fight the second spider anyway.
Rather than mess around with this incy-wincy, I roll out the big guns. I don't have a Summon Giant Book materia or a Cast Large Kettle of Boiling Water spell, but I can call upon the wrath of Jason Statham:
Statham drops it like it's hot. Cloud shoves a sword up its thorax. Nanaki launches a couple of limit breaks. Tifa wonders if it is technically a spider because it only has four legs. It's all academic anyway because within two minutes it has zero legs.
We finally get to the back of the cave, and Bugenhagen acts very surprised to find an end-of-level boss. To reiterate, the wisest man in the world who has intimate knowledge of this cave does not predict an end-of-level boss. At the end of the level.
Sounds about right.
The GI Nittak boss is incredibly difficult. Those two fire things which flank him are practically indestructible and do more flaming than the average YouTube commenter, as well as periodically healing the main boss.
But I know a clever trick for getting past this bad boy. I chuck a Phoenix Down at him - if he's the embodiment of death, a life potion will reduce him to... well, nothing. I think that's the logic, anyway.
The potion does nothing. He hits Tifa hard, reducing her to half-health. Hmmmm. I throw another one at him. Still nothing. He wallops Cloud, nearly killing our hero outright. Erk.
I have got this right, haven't I? Throwing life potions at an enemy I'm trying to kill... I didn't come up with this plan in a fever dream, did I?
I throw another one at him just for good measure.
That was the result I was looking for.
"Thank you, Cloud," says Bugenhagen. "Because of you, we survived. Nanaki, you've grown strong too."
Oooh, feel the burn! Poor Nanaki was the one who threw the last potion and saved us! Anyway, We pick up a Gravity materia which is really fantastic spell when it works, and it never works.
Out the back of the cave, Bugenhagen asks if he can have a moment with Nanaki alone. We oblige.
Bugenhagen reveals that Nanaki's father is not the coward he believed, but rather a great warrior who gave his life to protect the canyon. He also tells Nanaki a bunch of other stuff about the planet but I miss all that because I'm busy inspecting the dry skin on my elbows. It's getting really bad, actually. If you can recommend a decent moisturiser do leave a note in the comments below because the weather's getting nicer and I want to roll my sleeves up more. Sun's out, guns out.
But back to the main group. The buggy is fixed. It's time to leave Cosmo Canyon and begin what's pretty much the final act of Disc One.
I think we should, mate. I think we should.
