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Should Zombies Run? |
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It's a question we all
concern ourselves with. Well, perhaps not everyone - I just asked the
missus and she replied, "This is going to be another one of your weird
conversations, isn't it?" Then she went back to sleep. But it's a question that's been bugging Bill Hussey, author of Through a Glass, Darkly. On his blog Horror Reanimated, cowritten with Meat author Joseph D'Lacey, Bill sparks a discussion on the problem of internal consistency within the horror genre and polarises his readers on the subject of the living dead, and in particular, their velocity. [link] Since my partner wasn't any bloody help, I decided to turn to my other lover: the Internet. In order to get this matter sorted, I'd have to do some serious research involving a fairly large test group. However, how does one go about raising an army of willing peons to which I could ask a series of pointless questions for very little in the way of compensation? Naturally, I placed an advert on Craigslist. Within no time at all, I had a fairly large group of fine folk to interview. It was time to find out what people's attitudes were to our livingly-challenged members of society. I figured I'd include the average answers for each gender below the corresponding question. Let's turn this into a gender war, and at the same time, answer the elusive question... ... should zombies run? |
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1) On a scale of 1-10, where 10 is the safest and 1 is the least safe, how defendable would you rate your home in the event of a zombie holocaust? |
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So, whilst both pitifully disappointing, it seems the ladies have the most dependable homesteads when it comes to a holocaust scenario. From this we can only assume something we've all suspected - in a disaster, every man needs a good woman. The single guy will find himself utterly screwed, staring forlornly at the ancient pizza boxes scattered all over the floor while the living dead burst into his woefully unprepared flat. I was most disappointed with the estate agent who answered 0.5 to this question. If his bosses had any idea of how under-qualified he is, they'd get rid of him. |
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2) On a scale of 1-10, where 10 is the most concerned and 1 is the least, how much do you worry about zombie infection on a day to day basis? |
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On first look, it would
seem that da boyz (as I like to call us) worry more about infection than
the kittens (as I like to call 'em) even though our homes are less
prepared. To be honest, the true average response ranged between zero
and four across both both sexes, it was only a couple of nines that
dragged up the figures for the guys. |
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3) Would you be willing to put a bullet through your own brain if infected? |
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Oooh, controversial! an overwhelming majority (over 80%) of dudes would
be willing to serve the greater good and eliminate themselves once
effectively condemned. Women? Over 80% would not be willing to take themselves out if infected by a vicious and unstoppable plague that would turn them into a danger to every single loved one around them. Gents, if you get nothing else out of this site, at least you can quote this the next time you forget an anniversary. |
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4) Which is scarier: one sprinting zombie or ten shambling zombies? |
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So, we're getting closer to the crunch: should the reanimated be
spritely? Well, we're not getting any closer to the crunch at all, but it is interesting to note that nearly all respondees (95%) would find a single sprinting zombie more terrifying than ten of its slower counterparts. Since the correlation between athletic prowess and terror are quite clearly linked, I propose future films of the genre should feature zombies which are really good at cycling, or throwing javelins, or that thing where they jump into the big sandbox. Olympic zombies... man's ultimate terror goes for the gold! Erm. I don't make horror movies for a reason. |
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5) On a scale of 1-10, where 10 is the most depressed and 1 is the least, how sad do zombie children make you feel? |
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There's nothing that pulls (and indeed feasts) on the heart strings more
than the wandering corpse of a little girl, still clutching her
childhood teddy bear... ...which may or may not be a zombie teddy bear! Oh my goodness! Nah, it's not a zombie teddy bear. Toys can't get possessed. That would be silly. |
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6) Would you be prepared to kill an immediate family member in the instance of infection? |
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And another win for the boys! Well, I class it as a win, anyway - I'm glad we've got the moral fibre to shoot ourselves or others in the head if need be. Then again, I'm kind of comforted by the fact that women are not very likely to shoot people in the head. Which is nice. |
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7) What would be your weapon of choice when combating the undead? |
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The responses were about as mixed as they could be on this one, but
generally speaking the dudes preferred automatic rifles and shotguns,
whilst the ladies feel more comfortable with things like axes and
swords. Although it's important to have a proficiency at both combat
styles, there's not enough space here to get into the pros and cons of
each. I'm not here to educate you. That's
Max Brooks' job. Some of the more interesting answers included: psychology, acting dead, hiding, a bad autobiography, napalm and homeopathy (which doesn't do jack on the living, let alone the dead.) |
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8) What is the safest and most dependable type of public building to hold out in during a zombie holocaust? |
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Again, the results are scattered as to what people think are the best
places to hold out in, but these were the two that cropped up most for
each of the sexes. I have to say that I agree with the ladies on this
one - in the early stages, a police station is going to be full of
people arrested for rioting, and the majority of these will probably
have been bitten. A high-rise office, while the last place you'd want to
hole up in if you usually spend 35 hours a week there, would be easy to
defend although the lack of long-term supplies would be an issue. Some of the worse answers include: - Bus stop - Pawn store - Deep freezer Go figure. Although I can't believe nobody said 'army base'. |
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9) If any, which do you feel is the greatest zombie movie of all time? |
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An interesting cultural revelation is that nearly all of the young 'uns
polled voted for 28 Days Later, whereas nearly all the over 25s
voted for a George A. Romero film. One tit voted for Resident Evil:
Extinction, which riled me so much I nearly discounted all her
answers from the survey. But I'm using the empirical method, of course,
so I didn't. Ignoring that one, everyone responded with either 28 Days, Evil Dead, Shawn of the Dead or the aforementioned Romero selection. Things were split in the Romero department very neatly between Dawn and Night of the Living Dead, but Night just pipped it for the women. Here's your opportunity to flood my inbox with emails blubbering about how 28 Days Later wasn't technically a zombie film. Yeah. Don't. And finally... |
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10) In popular depictions of zombies, do you feel that they should be able to run? |
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Oh dear. 80% of blokes said... well, 80% of them wrote an essay on the
subject (guys it was a yes/no question, okay?) but essentially agreed
yep, zombies should be able to run. |
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