Titty Biscuits - Web Humour for the Discerning Gentleman

The God Blog Yes, I exist and this is My blog. Richard Dawkins needs to chill the hell out.
Bored POSTED BY GOD (THE CHRISTIAN ONE LOL KTHX) ON MONDAY, 23:00
You know what? I'm totally bored. I've been floating around in this void for what seems like an eternity, and I'm sick of it. Hence, I've decided to start a blog. Oh, and I've also decided create everything. It should keep me occupied for... well, I don't know how long. How much time does it take to make everything in existence? A day? A week? Pffff, scratch that. Heh, a week! I'm such an optimist. It'll take me at least a month to make a universe. Meh. It'll keep me out of mischief for a bit, either way. It'll be like a giant Airfix kit.
It's A Start POSTED BY GOD (THE CHRISTIAN ONE LOL KTHX) AT 23:10
Alright! So far so good. I've got a heaven and an earth. A pretty logical place to go from, I feel. It's a crying shame I can't see jack all, though. . . . . Okay. There's light now. I see that it's good. Only thing is, now I've got to separate the light from the dark. Basically, it's dividing the two right down the middle - light on one side, dark on the other (if you see what I mean). I'm terrible at explaining myself... does that even make sense? Light and dark, light and dark. Suffice to say this is tricky. Nothing I can't handle though, don't you worry. Other than light and dark, I've also got a whole bunch of water to organise. I think the way forward is to let there be a firmament in the midst of the waters, and let it divide the waters from the waters. Here goes. Sweet. The firmament is now in place and has divided the waters which were under the firmament from the waters which were... er, above the firmament. Okay, I didn't explain that very well either. Hah! Didn't I tell you what I was like with explaining myself? Okay, it's late and I'm rambling to nobody. Sigh. If I ever get this blog published in book form, I'll have to seriously consider clarifying my narrative.
Whoops POSTED BY GOD (THE CHRISTIAN ONE LOL KTHX) ON TUESDAY, 10:55
Crap! It's day two (of measurable time, anyway) and I've slept in. I've got a lot to be cracking on with. I'm kinda sick of all this water everywhere, so I think it's high-time we had some Earth action going on. Ker-pow! Score for God. Let's get this party started. I've got a few sprigs and trees about to decorate the place, and I see that it is good. I'm toying with the idea of photosynthesis, but I'll sort out the details of that later. All the plants can run on magic for now, at least until I can hang a burning ball of hydrogen somewhere and get this photosynthe-shiznass on the pizazz, if you're knowin' what I sayazz. I'm pooped. Time for a nap.
The Sun: I Approve POSTED BY GOD (THE CHRISTIAN ONE LOL KTHX) ON WEDNESDAY, 19:55
I just made the sun, and let me tell you, it's freakin' awesome! I was just going to make a really small one quite close to Earth, but then I got carried away and made it absolutely gigantic. Super-massive continual explosions RULE! I also made a big-ass rock to spin around the Earth. It's not really for anything, per se, it just... looks pretty? It's taken me all day just to make the sun and moon (which actually helps measure the days a bit more accurately!), so I think I'm going to call it quits and get a good night's rest. Not quite sleepy yet though. I might add a few trillion stars before I go to bed.
Lol, I'm so random! POSTED BY GOD (THE CHRISTIAN ONE LOL KTHX) ON THURSDAY, 22:17
Made the first two lifeforms today. What did I make? Fowls and whales. You'd think I'd go for something a bit more mainstream, but God don't roll like that, homey! I like to shake things up a bit. That's just how I roll - you never know what I'm gonna do next! CHEESECHEESECHEESECHEESECHEESE!!! Haha, see what I mean? That's all I've got for today.
Slight setback POSTED BY GOD (THE CHRISTIAN ONE LOL KTHX) ON SATURDAY, 22:29
Apologies for not posting yesterday, I was having a bit of a problem after creating the rest of the beasties - namely, they kept dying. It took me a while to figure out what was up, until it hit me... ... I'd forgotten to give the Earth a breathable atmosphere! Duh! So, next up is making a human. I've given a lot of thought to how it should look... testicles in, or out? The capacity to grow hair on its back? Is the appendix really necessary? Same question for toenails? Scrap the dorsal fin? So many questions, not enough answers. As my mind wandered I doodled a picture of a dude. When I looked down, I figured 'Meh, that'll do. Just make a human in that image and be done with it.' So I did, and I've called him Adam. Eeeeeee! My very own human! To start with, Adam was totally freaking out. To be fair, I can kind of understand how a sudden exposure to existence when you've got a fully-formed adult mind can be a bit of a shock. He calmed down after a bit, I introduced myself, and laid down the ground-rules. He wandered off pretty dazed and confused, but you know what? I think Adam and I are going to get on like a house on fire. He's a hoot. So, that's that. I've got a bit of tweaking to do to the finer mechanics of everything (don't get me started on the physics of black holes and dark matter, they're a headache in the making) but you know what? I'm taking tomorrow off. Sure, I may be all powerful, but even I'm prone to getting tired after, oh I don't know, making an entire friggin' universe. I'm sure Adam will cope tomorrow. I've told him that since I'm taking the day off, he can kick back too (aside from avoiding all the predators stalking the globe.)
He's gonna totally freak POSTED BY GOD (THE CHRISTIAN ONE LOL KTHX) ON MONDAY, 17:44
Had a nice day off yesterday. It was a little frustrating watching everything go to pot without me around (I did have to intervene once by inventing rain, since the plants were looking a bit ill), but I'm all rested now and have made a kick-ass garden for Adam to play in. Trying to keep him entertained is proving troublesome. Hopefully Eden will keep him occupied. I also gave him the job of adding numbers to Pi... I thought he'd get bored of that pretty quickly, but he's getting worryingly obsessed about it - he's up to about 200 decimal places now, and seems to be getting more and more enthralled if anything. I reckon he's got OCD or Asperger's, or something. Made all the other plants and fruits today. We had a good old laugh over the pineapple. The venus fly trap gives Adam the willies. * UPDATE * Adam fell asleep for the first time, right in the middle of a conversation with me! I was sorely tempted to shave off his eyebrows for a laugh, but then I had a quality idea... I wonder if he'll notice he's missing a freaking rib when he wakes up? Aw, man, this is going to be hilarious! Just to further trip him out, I've made a woman. I shall call her Samantha.
O...M...G POSTED BY GOD (THE CHRISTIAN ONE LOL KTHX) ON TUESDAY, 08:19
Dear diary, I. Am. Pissed. I can't b... okay, you know what? I'm too freakin' angry to blog about this right now.
Hiccup in Paradise POSTED BY GOD (THE CHRISTIAN ONE LOL KTHX) ON THURSDAY, 08:25
Okay. I've calmed down a bit. Let me tell you what happened. If I said to you, "dude, You can have this entire planet, dominion over everything that lives on it and free reign to eat whatever the heck you fancy... BUT DON'T EAT THAT APPLE BECAUSE I'M SAVING IT FOR MY PACKED LUNCH, ALRIGHT?" I'm guessing you'd be sensible enough to avoid eating my apple. Well, guess what the humans did? Damn right. They went and ate my bloody apple. I was strolling through Eden trying to find Adam to see how he was getting on with Pi. I was more than a little surprised to find him hiding behind a bush with Eve (as I now call her - I changed my mind from Samantha. Eve sounds less slutty.) "We were hiding because we're naked, and ashamed." I was all like, WTF? "Adam, you know I'm down with nakedness. It's all good, my man. We've seen it all before." But he still looked really sheepish. Now, not being vain, but I'm a pretty smart guy. I could see what was going on here. "You've eaten that apple I was saving, haven't you?" "Er, Eve told me to do it." I threw my hands in the air. "Oh, give Me a break! If Eve told you to stick your head in an oven, would you do it?" "What's an oven?" "Silence!" I yelled, turning to Eve. "Samant... I mean, Eve. Did you take a bite out of the apple?" She fidgeted a bit, staring at the feet. "The snake told me to do it." This was more than I could handle. "The snake? The snake? Snakes can't talk, you stupid mare! I think I'd know if I'd made a talking frigging snake sometime in the last week. Have you been smoking some of the plants as well? This is unreal, you guys. I was really looking forward to that apple." "I'm sure you could make another one if you really..." Adam tried to interrupt, but I was having none of it. I crossed my arms and shook my head slowly. "This is totally unacceptable. Look, guys, if you were hungry there's a pear tree right next to the apple tree. There's a banana tree just over there. Behind that there's a pineapple tree..." Upon mentioning the pineapple, Adam failed at stifling a giggle, which did not impress Mme. "Oh, what, so this is all a joke to you? That's it. You know what, Adam? Screw you. You can both get lost. That's right, just... piss off." Eve tentatively spoke up. "L-lord? Do you... err, do you not think that maybe you're... over-reacting?" My outburst, I must admit, shocked even myself; deep down, however, I knew they were bang out of order. Moreover, I wasn't going to let this one slide. They needed punishing. Big time. "Eve, I think you underestimate how much I didn't want you to eat my apple," I said, sternly now, wrath barely in check. "As a punishment, you'll suffer horrendous pains during childbirth. Actually, no. Scratch that. Every woman that follows you will suffer horrendous pain during childbirth. Hah, that'll learn you, you cantankerous little cow." Adam piped up. "Woah, steady on! That's a bit har..." "Oh, don't think I forgot about you, sunshine! From now on, you're gonna work the field if you want anything to eat. Plus, you'll die." "I'm going to die?" Adam screeched. I thought about that for a bit. "Erm... yes," I replied. "At... at some point in time." Eve interjected, "What about the snake? What punishment is he going to get?" All their whiny protesting was doing my nut, and frankly, all this talk about snakes speaking in English was only making me feel stronger in my convictions in throwing them out. "Eve, for crying out loud - read my lips. There. Is. No. Talking. Snake. Now, out. The both of you." And that was that, dear diary. Looking back on it, it may not have been a very measured response to someone eating an apple. But whatever. I'm not going to be taken for a fool. You know, I probably wouldn't have gone that far if they just came clean and someone owned up. Trying to blame it on a friggin' snake? That was just dumb.
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